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Phone: 847-293-8593

The World Is Your Locker

October 21, 2016 by Sherrie Marchi

img_9583One week ago our son who is a Freshman proudly brought home his brand new High School hooded sweatshirt. He’s worn it almost every day…until today.

Flashback***at his elementary and middle school there were around 300 kids. If something was left behind, one of the teachers or fellow students would likely put it in the lost and found by the next morning.

It was very hard to wear someone’s garment from the lost and found, as everyone would recognize what belonged to whom.

Such is not the case now at a High School of 3,400 students.

This morning I received a stressed-sounding text from my son, “I thought I left my (new hoodie) in a classroom, but now it’s not there. It’s not in the lost and found, either!”

Our older son, a senior in HS, can often be heard grumbling about his younger brother’s belongings piling up around the house, or in the car, as it were. Older son will say to younger son, “The car is not your locker!”, as he shoves younger brothers’ things aside to fit his own stuff in the back seat of my compact car.

As the mom of these guys, I can be heard reciting many of my broken record mantras each day. For the younger, it’s usually “Clean up your spot”. His “spot” is his place at the kitchen table that I move all his stuff to, in my attempt to tidy the house. It does actually get picked up on occasion.

My heart is sad for the young’un. I know he’s really bummed. But now I don’t need to be the broken record anymore. Now I get to stand back and let him (and his big brother) absorb the consequences. I’ve harped on certain things for so long, and now I harp no more.

A few months ago, older son was at a park in a large city with some friends. It was dusk and he set down his backpack, with all his belongings inside, on the ground by some trees. He walked just a short distance away to film some video of his friends, and when he returned to his backpack, it was gone – along with all it’s contents which were both important and/or special to him.

I had to bite my tongue. It was really challenging not to ask, “What were you thinking?!”. They don’t need to feel any worse. If I did say something, it would turn their resentment toward me, and off of themselves. My job now is to put my arm around their shoulders and say, “Wow, that really sucks – I’m sorry to hear that.” In other words, be on their side with them, with a fudgy swirl of compassion twirling through our interaction. We can look at the proverbial puddle of spilled milk together as I ask, “What are you going to do about that?”.

The unspoken message in my question is that I trust them to figure it out – that they’re competent of such a task.

I learned this technique from a book called, “Parenting with Love and Logic”. I feel so much more aligned employing that tactic, than I would being snarky to those I love so fiercely.

In one and three years respectively, these boys will launch into their own lives. It’s time for me to step back and let them have a taste of driving their own bus. After all, I want for them to have some savvy when they leave home.

I hear too often that the shock of college or moving out is just too big and overwhelming. Doing laundry, getting up and out of the shower themselves, having their things ready to go in the morning, so they’re not frantically searching for stuff when they’re supposed to be getting on a train.

Each little hurdle they can learn to clear before they leave home, is one less they’ll be smacked between the eyes with when they leave the nest.

This is easier said than done, however, our self management now will be the gift that keeps on giving later.

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Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: letting go, parenting

On Parenting

October 7, 2016 by Sherrie Marchi

Oh, the humanity!

Having not a healthy, nurturing model to draw upon from my own childhood, I was always reluctant to start a family of my own. I had always sensed I would make a lousy parent and that for the good of all I should refrain from having children.

If you’d rather skip the context of my history, please skip forward to the section below, titled “NUGGETS”.

True story – a little over a month after Steve and I got married, we moved to Rapid City, South Dakota, where I’d longed to live for over half my life. Over the course of the next three years, we made great friends and enjoyed a vibrant, eclectic social life. I had finally secured the job I’d dreamt of for years – I was an Art Director at an Ad Agency. Very glamorous and fancy, indeed. Super posh, artsy office, great clients, co-workers and the best boss ever.

Late one Saturday night during a blizzard, I was alone, sitting in my posh, artsy office working on a campaign for a client and felt a wave of discontent come over me. The glamour, salary, and poshness weren’t enough. I thought that’s what I wanted, yet upon arriving at my goal I found it to be soul-crushingly disappointing. The disappointment quickly turned to panic; this was all I knew how to do, it’s what my education and my life’s experience had prepared me for.

Sitting right there at my cool desk, I looked up at the ceiling and said, “if there is anything out there, show me the purpose of my life”. I don’t even know where those words came from.

One month later, with only one fallopian tube, I was pregnant.

I knew instantly that this was the response to my late-night-blizzard inquiry. There could be no other possible explanation why this was happening now, after not doing anything differently during the preceding 3+ years. Like it or not, this was the purpose of my life.

At that moment, EVERYTHING changed. I had been on anti-anxiety medications for 10 years. I quit them cold turkey (I DO NOT recommend this). My cool job? It lasted about two months and then my depression and mood swings became so erratic that I could no longer function in the work environment, and I was let go. My vibrant social life came to a screeching halt, as I didn’t want to be around people who were partying and having fun. I began taking freelance design jobs from miscellaneous organizations. Mostly though, I cried, slept, threw heavy things at my husband…and read every parenting book I could get my hands on. Hell or high water, I was on a mission to make myself into a suitable mother.

That’s how our family began.

Since the beginning I’ve felt the tug of war inside me. “Do we start planning for college now? Do we crack the whip and make sure they achieve, achieve, ACHIEVE? How do we have a baby?

My maternal instinct kicked in immediately. I don’t know how, but I knew from the get go that we were birthing naturally and non-invasively, using a midwife, nursing, and playing music to the fetus by putting headphones around my expanding belly.

I spoke to the baby and told it how afraid I was to let it down; to ruin its life. I explained about how its maternal grandparents were really nice, but batshit crazy. I read to it. Steve read to it. I ate all the right stuff, kept out all the bad stuff. And, I read, and read, and read, and read.

By the end of the pregnancy, I knew everything. Or so I thought. I would soon learn that implementing all that cool stuff I read about was going to be a whole different ballgame.

Nolan came to join us at the end of September, just six days before his dad’s birthday. Due to a complication at birth, he needed help breathing in the NICU for the first 5 days of his life. I felt like that was the Universe saying, “You’re lucky to have this baby, but in case of any doubt, let’s see if you know how lucky you are!” That five days, pumping milk, staying at a hotel, up every two hours and back to the hospital to feed… that galvanized me. If there was any doubt, it was surely gone by the time we brought our little bundle home.

I read about attachment parenting. It made perfect sense to me. We never had a crib – both of our sons slept with us until they were 9 or 10 years old. I liked this idea because it created a sweet, soft nest for us to land in, ending each day by snuggling together no matter how bumpy the day might’ve been.

As I went along, we learned who we were as parents. Like many contexts in our lives we learned by process of elimination – “No, not that!”- as much as what felt good and right.

We’re not the over zealous type. Not the religious type. Not the neglectful type. Turns out, we liked being the intuitive type – being with what arose in the moment.

While we lived in South Dakota, that was easy. I was isolated and didn’t know other new moms. I had a few friends with much older children, so I made it up as I went along.

When Nolan was 9 months old we moved back to suburban Chicago. It was then I realized that there was a whole bunch of have-to’s and hoops to jump through if my kid was going to be able to keep up with the Jones’ kids. Not that I cared so much about the Jones’, but I did not want my new son to be at a disadvantage. I thought I’d better pay attention to the trends if I didn’t want my son to be left spinning like a top, in the dust.

Since that time I’ve felt the tug-of-war inside me. Intuitively, my instincts direct me one way, and the current of popular parenting philosophy, the opposite. I attribute my lack of confidence in following my own instincts to this dichotomy, and the fear of putting my children at a disadvantage.

I have not raised these children by myself. Their dad and I are married and co-parent them. I want to distinguish that this is my story, as my husband does not fight the internal battles that I do. To his credit, he is unshakable in his confidence to “Be Here Now”. He flows with each moment, and I have often mistaken that for lack of attentiveness. I want to make that distinction before continuing.

We had a second son when Nolan was three years old. I’ve spent the last 17 years second guessing myself, back and forth between hounding our boys to do their work, clean their rooms, asking who they’re with, about their grades and effort, all while losing sight of the forest through the trees.

NUGGETS

Feeling on the verge of utter madness, while talking to a friend, she recommended a book to me called “How To Raise An Adult – Break Free of the Over Parenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid For Success”, by Julie Lythcott-Haims.

What’s fascinating is that Julie Lythcott-Haims is a former Dean at Stanford University. In this book she discusses in depth, the disservice we do to our beloved children by over-parenting them, taking on too many of their responsibilities, subsequently eroding their autonomy and confidence in taking risks. She also discusses the brokenness of the college admission process.  While I have gleaned much wisdom from this book so far, perhaps the greatest nugget of all is that my maternal instinct is right on the money, and less exciting to admit, my husband has been (mostly) right all along.

I have often judged his easygoing nature as negligent or laissez-faire. After some consideration, I can see that it also serves as trusting these boys to lean into their own instincts and intuition. That is what I’ve preached all along, while intermittently allowing myself to get swept up in the madness of harping on them which only served to drive a wedge between us.

(Heavy sigh…) This parenting business is NOT for sissies!

According to Vanderbilt University’s department of Developmental Psychology, in psychology today, there are four major recognized parenting styles: authoritative, neglectful, permissive, and authoritarian. Please click the link to learn about the traits of each, and possibly things you didn’t know about your parenting style. In doing this myself, I discovered that like many of us, I’m a combination of all of them.

What I know for sure is that harping, nagging, second guessing and enabling are not helpful behaviors for kids, or for parents. I believe we all come here with innate knowing that helps us get through our own lives, as well as parenting our children. No book, doctor, or in-law can tell us more than we already know. Our job is to lean into our own knowing and don’t be afraid to trust that we know what is best for our children. Sometimes, our knowing directs us to seek the help of a professional. Regardless of what your knowing is telling you, by paying attention to how it feels, you’ll know if it feels right, or wrong. That is a wonderful, rich place to start!

And remember, we’re not meant to do this alone. It really does take a village. No one person has all the answers. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. By doing so, not only are you opening a door to receive help, but you’re also setting a powerful example for your young ones. After all, they do what we do much more than do what we say.

Due to the sheer vastness of this topic, I would love to hear your nuggets.  Please share in the comments below!

Cheers!

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: parenting, raising children

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2016-02-15T17:46:53+00:00

Laura — Elementary/Gifted Education, Daughter, Sister, Spouse, Mom, and so much more

“I just have to thank you because I feel AMAZINGLY JOYFUL after today's call! As we reflected back on all the ways in which I have changed since our coaching began, I felt not only a deep sense of accomplishment and pride, but also profound joy and gratitude. You have coached me through some difficult times in my life and helped me get "unstuck" from old habits and old thinking. Now, through our coaching, I am creating a life that honors my past, finds joy in the present, and has confidence in the future. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your talent, your insight, and your encouragement. IT'S MAGICAL!”
https://sherriemarchi.com/testimonials/laura/

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“I have benefited greatly from having Sherrie as my coach and would recommend her to anybody.  She is very skilled in the principals of co-active coaching, and this combined with her no-nonsense approach and amazing intuition make her very effective at helping to invoke the change I desire in my life.”

Jon — Director & CCO, HR and General Affairs, Coach, Son, Spouse, Dad, and so much more

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2016-02-15T17:47:30+00:00

Jon — Director & CCO, HR and General Affairs, Coach, Son, Spouse, Dad, and so much more

“I have benefited greatly from having Sherrie as my coach and would recommend her to anybody.  She is very skilled in the principals of co-active coaching, and this combined with her no-nonsense approach and amazing intuition make her very effective at helping to invoke the change I desire in my life.”
https://sherriemarchi.com/testimonials/jon/

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“One of Sherrie's greatest strengths as a coach is her strong sense of intuition and her willingness to take risks articulating her intuition. When working with Sherrie, she used her intuition to articulate metaphors for any given situation - these metaphors were often accurate and more importantly they helped me see the situation more clearly and from new perspectives. Her strong commitment to our process created a sense of togetherness - a supportive, safe space for me to be vulnerable which enabled me to do my strongest work.”

Debbie – Senior Research Director, Daughter, Mom, and so much more

sherrie marchi
2016-02-15T17:48:47+00:00

Debbie – Senior Research Director, Daughter, Mom, and so much more

“One of Sherrie's greatest strengths as a coach is her strong sense of intuition and her willingness to take risks articulating her intuition. When working with Sherrie, she used her intuition to articulate metaphors for any given situation - these metaphors were often accurate and more importantly they helped me see the situation more clearly and from new perspectives. Her strong commitment to our process created a sense of togetherness - a supportive, safe space for me to be vulnerable which enabled me to do my strongest work.”
https://sherriemarchi.com/testimonials/debbie/

Mark

“Sherrie has taken me on a journey that I previously was unaware of. A journey of looking deeply at my life.  It is a journey that was just waiting for me to begin.  An adventure that filled my life with happiness, joy and contentment.  I could not have made this journey without her, and I am so grateful for the work we’ve done, and to have her in my life.”

Mark — Actor, Son, Brother, Spouse, Father, and so much more

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2016-02-15T17:49:23+00:00

Mark — Actor, Son, Brother, Spouse, Father, and so much more

“Sherrie has taken me on a journey that I previously was unaware of. A journey of looking deeply at my life.  It is a journey that was just waiting for me to begin.  An adventure that filled my life with happiness, joy and contentment.  I could not have made this journey without her, and I am so grateful for the work we’ve done, and to have her in my life.”
https://sherriemarchi.com/testimonials/mark/

JoAnna

"Coaching with Sherrie provided me an amazing and unique opportunity to have someone willing to meet me where I am, and help establish a custom winning game plan to move forward with what I want! Sherrie's custom game plans helped to pull me out of a longtime rut and got me moving back in the direction of my goals. After having to drop out of school, as I was dejectedly shuffling myself through a mindless job, I teamed up with Sherrie and soon we got me moving back in the direction of my dreams at MY PACE."

JoAnna — Jackie of All Trades, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, and so much more

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2016-04-02T04:26:58+00:00

JoAnna — Jackie of All Trades, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, and so much more

"Coaching with Sherrie provided me an amazing and unique opportunity to have someone willing to meet me where I am, and help establish a custom winning game plan to move forward with what I want! Sherrie's custom game plans helped to pull me out of a longtime rut and got me moving back in the direction of my goals. After having to drop out of school, as I was dejectedly shuffling myself through a mindless job, I teamed up with Sherrie and soon we got me moving back in the direction of my dreams at MY PACE."
https://sherriemarchi.com/testimonials/joanna/
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